AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY
OFFENDER
July 20 - 27, 2001
This Week:
LAST YEAR ON THIS DATE... "Teens Say It's Easier To Talk To Dealer About Drugs Than To Mom and Dad"
What the Critics Are Saying
About See Span Run:
"... a cutthroat look at current issues... The writing is clever and worth checking
out."
--NBCi
"Political Site of the Day!"
--Aboutpolitics.com
"A total piece of shit!"
--Sharon H. Devinney,
Cyberspace Surfer
WNBA Ticket Scalper Reflects on Career Choice
In
an exclusive interview last week, WNBA ticket scalper Gino Luck
declared that he has had no second thoughts about his admittedly unlucrative freelance
career. "This is what I love to do," said Luck, rising from his knees
after pleading with an annoyed middle-aged couple to purchase two Cleveland Rockers
tickets at 75% off. "I mean, sure, I could've gotten involved in scalping NFL
games. That's where the easy money is. But this is about the challenge.
It's a real character-builder, having total strangers telling you to fuck off right and
left. What people don't realize is that there's a huge upside, particularly when
you've finally had enough and you decide to hold someone up at gun point, forcing them to
buy front-row tickets to a Comets-Monarchs game, for example... I mean, you can't
imagine the high..." For his full-time job, Luck is a telemarketer for an
obscure foundation trying to raise money to cure a disease no one has heard of.
Luck's wife, Serena, meanwhile, is a dominatrix at a porn shop on Bourbon
Street in New Orleans...
Clinton Offers To Help Find Missing Intern
Former President Bill Clinton, struggling to find
constructive things to do now that his political career is over, has volunteered to help
look for missing intern Chandra Levy, sources say. Clinton
initially sought to keep a distance from the investigation, not wanting to invite
comparisons between Congressman Gary Condit's current troubles and his
own during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. However, after seeing a
variety of photos of Levy dressed in tight-fitting tank tops and shorts, Clinton
apparently changed his mind...(See "Cloning
Experiments Gone A Wry" for the latest on Rep. Condit's troubles)
J. Lo: "I Am Not An N-Word -- I Just Play One On MTV"
Smoldering sex symbol Jennifer Lopez, known to her legions
of fans in the hood as "J-Lo," is now defending herself against charges
of racism after using the N-word in her new song "I'm Real." "I
wasn't trying to offend anyone," explained the singer-actress-dancer-babe.
"I was just offering further proof that I am bajo con el hood -- or 'down
with the hood.' What I'm sayin' is that I'm Real, you know? Just
like the song says. My homies -- they know what I be sayin.' Shit, I was a Fly
Girl on In Living Color, remember? I'm allowed to use the N-word,
damnit!"
Children Invoke Vice President's Name Into New Playground Slang
