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August 19 - August 26, 2005 
 

 

 

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 BLT Killer Banned From Delis For Life


 The so-called BLT Killer was banned for life yesterday from patronizing delicatessens in all 50 states - the harshest sentence ever for a patron who habitually makes a mess eating a multi-layer deli sandwich.  The killer, whose real name is Holden DePickles, stood emotionlessly as the sentence was read.  When it was his turn to speak, he turned and addressed Sal, the owner of Sal's Deli on 52nd Street, one of the BLT Killer's most common victims:  "I accept my punishment, and am sorry for spilling lettuce leafs and tomato slices, not to mention bacon strips, all over your nice, scratched-up, faded, creaky 84-year-old floor.  However, I maintain to this day that if a sandwich is thicker than the Yellow Pages, it's virtually impossible to eat such a sandwich without any kind of spillage."  Sal responded by shaking his fist at DePickles and shouting out an obscenity in Italian...

Mischievous White House Staffer Reprimanded For "Bad Advice" In Theoretical Bush Meeting With Cindy

A naughty White House aide is being reprimanded for giving President Bush "bad advice" in a proposed meeting with anti-war mom Cindy Sheehan (see theoretical photo above).  When confronted about the bad advice, the aide (whose name is being withheld for national security reasons) said with a real attitude, "What???"

Hillary Clinton Blames Global Warming For Rise In Approval Ratings

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton stood near a glacier in northern Alaska yesterday, posing for photographers before delivering a lengthy speech in which she attributed "climate change" as the primary reason her poll numbers have improved dramatically in the past year.  "Global warming is real - my approval ratings are living proof of that," said Rodham-Clinton, widely expected to seek the Democratic nomination for president in 2008.  There are still some skeptics who dispute Mrs. Rodham-Clinton's point, however, pointing to the fact that at least 40% of Alaska's glaciers are frozen solid -with no chance of thawing in time for the 2008 election...

 

 

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