See Span Run

AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY OFFENDER
November 18 - November 25, 2005 
 

President Bush received a huge boost today when yellow cake was discovered in the restroom of one of Saddam Hussein's notorious palaces.  The dispute over whether Saddam was trying to purchase yellow cake uranium from Niger is at the core of the "Bush lied" argument put forth first by Michael Moore and Al Franken, and now by their colleagues in Congress, including the almost-president John Kerry.  White House officials are hoping that the discovery of Saddam's yellow cake will put those accusations to rest once and for all.  But some observers are not so sure.  "What the president and his followers don't realize," said Polly Tiksux, a Washington reporter, "is that most intelligent people know that it's very likely -- you might even say 'a slam dunk' -- that a president of the United States of America would consciously make up false excuses to start a prolonged war with a harmless, peaceful middle-eastern country..."

• If John Kerry Had Been President

Congressional Republicans Vote To Authorize Self-Castration

A majority of congressional Republicans, worried about their re-election chances in 2006 because of President Bush's current political problems, voted overwhelmingly to authorize self-castration, and within minutes of the vote dozens of senators and congressmen rushed to various local health centers to have the procedure done.  "It's so refreshing not to have any balls," said one GOP politician, who wished to remain anonymous as well as sack-less.   "It's cool to have your voice rise an octave," said another sack-less Republican, who also wished to remain anonymous.  "I say let's take another look at the Kyoto Treaty," said a third anonymous Republican, a Senator.  Meanwhile, Democrats in Congress shrugged off the vote as being a non-issue.  "We've operated without testicles for years," said one Democrat who, of course, wished to remain anonymous....

First Bird Flu Death Reported in California

Health officials rushed to an undisclosed theme park in Anaheim, California yesterday after it was reported that a large duck had fallen ill with symptoms consistent to those of avian flu.  The duck died shortly thereafter.  An infectious disease specialist, Dr. Mickey Moussari, said it's too early to know how the duck became ill, but the fact that the disease has now reached the United States proves that "it's a small world, after all..."

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