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December 17, 2005 - January 3, 2006 
 

An intern at Touchstones Pictures apparently has discovered the studio's lost original print of the controversial Brokeback Mountain, which has been missing for over 50 years.  The original film was shot in 1942 and co-stars John Wayne and Gary Cooper as a couple of frustrated cowboys who get to know one another while on an assignment redecorating a local ranch.  One thing leads to another and then The Duke finally says to Gary, "Pilgrim, you got one nice ass on you..."  Cooper in turn fights back a tear and says, "Today I consider myself... the luckiest man on the face of the Earth..."  Back in those days, Hollywood wasn't brave enough to show two men having sex and then pass it off to the general public like it's no big deal, so in the original all the viewer sees and hears is a shot of an open barn window with hay flying about inside, while a nearby horse whinnies his approval...

Editorial: Why Eavesdropping On Terrorists Is Just Plain Rude

OK, so it was just a coincidence that the New York Times waited for over a year, till the very day Iraq held it's overwhelmingly successful election, to publish a story about a secret directive from President Bush to spy on suspected terrorists in the U.S. in the days following Sept. 11.  I'm sure the delay had nothing to do with "waiting for an opportune political moment."  But that isn't the point, is it?  The point is: our government is spying on our very own terrorists, and I think that's just plain rude.  I mean, think about how you would feel if you were a terrorist, plotting to blow up a building or maybe unleash a deadly biological weapon on a large crowd of civilians, and somebody was listening in on your conversations! You wouldn't like it very much, would you?  Well, neither do our terrorists.  Now, they may be terrorists, but they're our terrorists - and they have rights, just like everybody else.  So hang up the phone, Mr. Bush!  And leave those terrorists alone!  Hmmm... now I understand why the New York Times is the only building in New York City that has no security - why would terrorists want to bomb their staunches allies?

ACLU Denies Anti-Christmas Bias

An activist with the American Civil Liberties Union living in a quiet Illinois suburb near Joliet has raised the ire of his neighbors by his public lynching of Santa Claus on a tree in the neighborhood "tot lot."  But Grover DiTopp, chairman of the Joliet chapter of the ACLU, firmly denied he is against Christmas.  "I think it's perfectly OK to celebrate Christmas," said Mr. DiTopp, "assuming the celebration is done in the family basement, where there are no windows, so potentially offended neighbors have no view of a Christmas tree or any other Christmas symbols.  And assuming no Christmas music can be heard outside the house.  And assuming that no presents are exchanged in public view, or no Christmas decorations are on display outside the home.  If people meet that criteria, then hell - deck the halls and fa la la all you want!"  When asked about the lynching of Santa Claus, however, Mr. DiTopp was much less tolerant.  "St. Nicholas is a fat ass," said Mr. DiTopp, who plans on taping an upcoming Oprah Winfrey program on people who love horses and watching it over and over and over again...

Back By No Demand Whatsoever: The Christmas Album From Hell

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