See Span Run

AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY OFFENDER
January 9 - January 16, 2006 
 

According to new reports out of Sacramento, it was not a motorcycle accident which busted up California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, but instead a ferocious right hook from "girlie-man" California Democrat Pat Butts.  A staffer for the California state legislator, who wished to remain anonymous, described the incident in vivid detail:  "It was your typical acrimonious, partisan meeting.  The governor was urging the girlie-men to go along with his agenda.  He kept trying to intimidate them by telling them things like he was going to bend them over and show them what "being a man" was all about.  And then - bam!  Sentator Butts, the smallest, frailest man in the room, unleashed a devastating right hook which caught Arnie right in the mouth.  From that point, it was like watching  a big redwood fall.  Slowly, steadily, over he tipped, until boom!!!  There he was, lying on the floor in a pool of blood.  It was the most remarkable thing I've ever seen in my life."  When asked how Senator Butts reacted after Schwarzenegger went down, the staffer said, "He acted like nothing happened.  He just sat right back down and began painting his nails..."

Kim Jung Il Releases New Rap Album

North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il has teamed up with his boyz from da Pyongyang hood to produce a brand-new gangsta rap CD, which takes on President Bush, South Korea, and western civilization as a whole.  "I be tryin' to keep it real, ya know," said Kim Jung Il through a translator.  "Me and my boyz, we be tellin' it like it is out on da streets of Pyongyang.  We be talkin' about da injustices that all short, Asian men have to deal with, you know what I'm sayin'?" 

Look for excerpts from Kim Jung Il's new CD on the site in the coming weeks.

Embarrassed OJ Judge Escorted Out Of Alito Confirmation Hearings

Judge Lance Ito, who once resided over the OJ Simpson murder trial, looked sheepish yesterday after being asked to leave the Senate Judiciary Committee's confirmation hearing on Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito.  Apparently, the trouble began as soon as Alito was peppered with questions by Democrats on the committee.  When Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy asked Alito if he considered himself an "activist" judge, Lance Ito stood up from the back of the room and said, "I'm very active.  I like to play tennis, ride my bike, and go jogging every day.  And sometimes I'll even jog down to the beach and play a little beach volleyball."  After Ito interrupted Alito two more times, security had to physically escort the California judge out of the room.  Later, Ito seemed very embarrassed by the incident.  "All along, I thought it was me who had been nominated for the Supreme Court.  I mean, Alito sounds so much like Ito and everything.  So I've been studying and preparing for these hearings for months, and I really felt I was ready to roll.  But when I showed up at the hearing, they thought I was a journalist and they sat me at the back with them.  And they sat this other guy - this Alito guy -- in the hot seat.  I couldn't understand it."  Then Ito sheepishly added, "Now I do."  

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