See Span Run

AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY OFFENDER

August 25, 2006
 

A SPECIAL ANNIVERSARY NOTE:

 It has been said that every year of a human life is equal to seven years of a dog's life.  If that is the case, then "See Span Run" is not celebrating its 10th anniversary, but instead its 70th anniversary (and has yet to figure out that damn drug prescription plan!).  Back on August 5, 1996, "See Span Run" made its debut on-line with a simple column that heaved ridicule on the dull presidential campaign that was in full swing between Bill Clinton and Bob Dole.  Since the day that column slipped unnoticed into the blogosphere, Clinton was re-elected, impeached by the House, acquitted by the Senate, and finished out his term.  After Bill rode off into the sunset, Hillary emerged from her husband's shadow to stage a successful run for the open Senate seat in New York, a first step in her quest for the ultimate prize, the presidency.  Meanwhile, the son of another former president, George W. Bush, rode into the White House on the heels of the most controversial election in American history, one which left what appears to be a permanent and bitter split among the American public along ideological and political lines.  And then, September 11, 2001 happened - and indeed it did happen, despite the behavior of many to the contrary - and the U.S. has been engaged in a difficult struggle against global terrorism ever since.  Bush narrowly won re-election two years ago, but since has seen his standing in the polls drop considerably as the Iraq struggle dragged on and "The Big One" finally hit New Orleans  (Katrina - why are all the big ones always named after women?). 

Through it all, "See Span Run" has evolved into more of a multi-media forum on politics and pop culture, but has continued along the "low road" as one of the longest-running satirical sites on the web.  Below, one click of the mouse will take you to that first little column, and soon the entire collection of "See Span Run" essays will be available in a published journal entitled "See Span Run, 1996-2006: Ten Years of Insights, Insults, and Insanity" which you can purchase for a very reasonable sum.

See Span Run
 The First Column
August 6, 1996

Sports News: Cruise, Pluto Among Roster Cuts

The Paramount Pictures have released tight end Tom Cruise and the Solar System has parted company with popular two-time all-star Pluto in separate personnel moves that sent shockwaves through the galaxy as teams started paring down their rosters to meet the league maximum requirement of 25 players.  Cruise was released due to "conduct not becoming for a tight end," according to Paramount spokeswoman Sophia Bouncing.  "We've certainly enjoyed our lucrative and successful relationship with Mr. Cruise, but it's become clear that the guy is a freaking whack job.  Jumping on sofas?  Lecturing Matt Laurer?  Passing out frickin' scientology literature in the mall?  What is up with that?"  Meanwhile, Pluto was let go as part of the Solar System's on-going effort to add more size to its planetary lineup.  "Pluto has been an outstanding planet for us for many, many years," said System president Ethan Orbit.  "But it's clear that this solar system isn't going to reach its potential if we don't add some size to the equation."  Spokespeople for Cruise and Pluto said their respective clients are still productive and have many of other options out there waiting for them...

JonBenet Suspect Also Claims To Have Killed Lindbergh Baby

Creepy JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect John Mark Karr is now claiming that in addition to his involvement in the infamous Boulder, Colorado case, he also was the man responsible for the kidnapping and murder of famed pilot Charles Linbergh's infant son back in 1932.  "I always wanted to fly," said Karr in yet another prison interview.  "And if I couldn't be Charles Lindbergh, then at least I could kidnap and chop up his son..."  Meanwhile, more evidence is turning up which skeptics say proves that Karr was not the man who killed JonBenet, including a Dec. 25, 1996 photo of Karr dressed in a Santa Claus costume, stuck in the chimney of an Alabama family he did not even remotely know...

Christie Brinkley Rips Vegas Move to Close 24-hr. Marriage Offices

Middle-of-the-night marriages in Las Vegas are now a thing of the past in Las Vegas, and supermodel Christie Brinkley is not happy about it.  The city's Marriage Licensing Bureau is reducing its hours in an effort to cut costs - and is eliminating it's infamous midnight-to-8 a.m. shift in the process.  Brinkley, who has been married and divorced numerous times over the past decade, has already launched a campaign to put the MLB's "late shift" back in business.  "It's outrageous that something like this could happen," she said, "Something that could very well prevent people who are heavily under the influence of mind-altering substances from screwing up their lives even more by getting married.  Imagine what will happen to the divorce rate, if all these not-well-thought-out weddings are not allowed to happen?  This is nothing more than dirty tricks by the Republicans again."  Brinkley then brightened when asked about her new beau, Vegas custodian Dave Smothers: "He's dreamy," gushed the former Mrs. Joel...

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